My favourite men in life have to be Germans. Always entertaining, and often attractive, Germans are the perfect men. The Germans I knew had a limited grasp on the English language, which I found endearing and entirely sexy. Their humour makes no sense to me, but they always seem to make me laugh. I have slept with two German men, one from the East and one from the West. In no particular order I will tell you the story of both, beginning with East Boy, or as google translates it, Ost Bub.
The biggest person I have ever slept with in terms of pure mass was from East Germany. He had a stereotypical German name that should have been accompanied by lederhosen and a stein to drink out beer out of. He had the biggest smile you’ve ever seen and his laugh would fill the room. We met through mutual friends, as you do, and often ended up in a group together at the pub on Fridays. After a particularly long afternoon in the pub, Ost Bub offered to walk me home. By the time we got back to my college, we had exhausted all the English he knew, so when we got to the gates of my college he said, “So, now we kiss?” Who could refuse an offer like that? Even his chat up lines were adorably and unintentionally hilarious. When things started to heat up he asked, “You can show me your room maybe?”
“Yeah, maybe.” I said, teasingly. He didn’t understand and immediately got the look of a puppy that had just been kicked in the face. “No, I mean yes. Um, let’s go to my room, yes?” I had begun unintentionally speaking like him, ending statements with unnecessary questions, but it didn’t matter, he was big and German and the best thing to happen to me that term.
I’m not sure how Ost Bub fit into his college accommodation, because he certainly did not fit into mine. Almost banging his head on the doorway, he had to duck his way into my room. It was even more entertaining trying to fit the two of us on my single bed. We eventually managed, and as I laid on top of him, it felt oddly similar to lying on my entire mattress. He wasn’t fat by any means, just massive. I was afraid he might actually crush me, so I stayed on top.
After removing some layers he said, “I have a condom in my bag, do you want it?”
- Cheeky, arrogant, or smart to carry condoms in your bag?
- No, I don’t want it. That’s yours, you can have it. Please wear it now though.
The sex with Ost Bub was as amazing as everything else we did together. Also hilarious. I’m not very tall, so the logistics of sleeping with someone almost a foot and a half taller than me made for some entertaining moments.
Sadly, Ost Bub is back in Deutchland working on his PhD. But I’ll never forget some of the funniest pub sessions and some of the greatest sex of my life.